Braid it Up

Living in the real world isn’t easy. I should know. I’ve been a graduate for over twenty-four hours now. The world of working women offers many an unforeseen dilemma, many an unanticipated choice. The majority of these I would say have to deal directly with appearance.

In this crazy cosmos, your physiognomy could potentially define your career, your group of friends, where you live, who invites you to their Sweet 16, and who you get to second base with in the alley behind Tiki Bob’s. In a worst case scenario, an unsightly visage could mean you don’t get the job you want.

We've all been the sucker sitting in that interview chair getting checked out by the big man who wants some little hottie with glistening rows of white teeth bringing him his coffee in the morning and xeroxing his papers. Got snaggle teeth? We… uh… found someone else for the job. Yes, while we were interviewing you. Yeah right before you smiled. We just remembered.

Worse than the snaggle hag over there, are you actually missing some teeth? Wow. Hi. Nice to meet you I got to you know go uh talk to that man yeah over there something important be back sorry later when I uh can I’ll call yeah interview you some other time uh huh yeah ok that’s good bye then yup next time!

Ladies, I want to let you in on a little secret. It don’t make no nevermind to nobody how bad those cracked, caffeine-stained, nicotine smudged chips of wood you got for teeth are long as you got a redeeming hairdo. It’s all about the hair. Look at these smiles. These would put a British street urchin circa 1835 to utter shame. Their hair though—it’s not so bad.

My personal recommendation for a successful career if you have snaggle teeth, no teeth, extra fat around your jowls, a unibrow, terrible skin, or those earlobes that aren’t really earlobes but just kind of slide into your head leaving no distinct line between earlobe and cheek is to find a braid that works for you, and work it. A simple braid is the loudest way you can announce to the world that you are ready to work and that you're a confident fun-loving chick. You see a braid on a gal, you probably think to yourself right off the bat, Now THERE’S a gal who can rear up some cattle, or go weave a carpet, or maybe get all those files in order! And she'll probably STILL go to the saloon after all that to guzzle a brewsky!

I’m talking about the working woman’s braid: her key to success when her face isn’t enough. I would choose something light and loose, something that says, Yeah, I took the time to get ready for this job by braiding my hair, but see how loose it is? That means I’m nonchalant. But it’s also a braid, which means I work hard. So there. You could even intertwine some rope into it to increase the hardcore worker factor. Think: Idgie Threadgoode, before the social demands of Whistle Stop forced her to chop her hair off and become slightly more feminine looking.

Anyhoo, this is all just food for thought. Clearly, I am no expert on preparing for a life as a working woman, but I have shared with you what I know, and hope to see more women up and down the eastern seaboard sporting the working woman’s braid with pride. Because so what if your face got mauled by a bear so you’re missing an eye and all your teeth got chipped so they look like little uneven spikes so nobody wants to give you a job now, plus you're obese? Pura vida, man. You can still slap a braid on the back of that shit. Unless the bear took your scalp too.